Wednesday, February 18, 2009

On Not Sleeping

So things have been going oddly decently. Odd in a way that they're good but at the same time not. School is really beginning to kick my ass and getting into work mode is harder than I thought it would be, I'm getting distracted a little too easily and I don't really like it. I feel like I have no time at all to take care of some things that need my attention outside of school, which I am also against. But all of that isn't so much the odd part.

Things between me an a specific person have reached an odd plateau, and while I feel in the long run the decisions we've made are for the better it is still weird. We talked the other day and while that put a fairly definitive cap on things it only seemed to make the problem worse. It's still manageable at this point but we haven't made it through a weekend, and I suppose that will be the real test of how this is going to work. I hate to say it but in a way I hope that said person will falter first, but I'm not sure what I would do if they do so. As much as I've hoped and wish for that day I still can't help but feel that it's all some kind of elaborate front.

I can be a pretty paranoid person, I'm not sure if I've talked about this here or not before but I sometimes wonder if I have some sort of mental handicap or there is another situation going on that dosen't allow me to realize I have a mental handicap. I see the world as I see it but really the only reason people pay any special attention to me, give me the breaks they do, or make friends with me it because they feel bad for me, there's some greater power that is setting all of this up for me. I almost feel like this is all a TV show about my life and this is all the major points of my life are pre-scripted. Didn't Jim Carey star in some kind of movie like that?

But I digress, School is kicking my ass, a certain person has to be written off, I need to find a new job, I need to take care of things, and summer is quickly approaching.

I'm leaving the home I've known and loved in August. I need to make ammends.

I used to have this dream/nightmare as a kid, it usually involved me crawling through a really really small space to get to this tree house type room. I never really understood it. About 6 months ago I had the same dream. Only this time after I got into the room, I found myself in a large grain field, a powerful figure appeared before me. I think he was wearing a robe, he may of had some kind of wings, either way he told me I had one year to atone for my sins. That was August 28th. I may be working myself up into a frenzy but that's going to be an extremely auspiscious day for me. I wish I could stop thinking about it so I don't set it up that something major happens that day. I want to forget about it and let things play out as they would, so that when it does happen I can know that I didn't force the invisable hand of fate.

There's so much on my mind right now I don't even know where to begin. I just need a day off to relax and sort myself. Maybe I can work that out sometime soon.

I may edit this in the morning.

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