Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

On Fame/Infamy

So I have a really bad time with people coming up to me and saying hey! And talking about how we met the other night at X persons house or they tell me they've met me multiple times and I have no recollection of who they are. Now I go out and party, but I don't feel like I get drunk enough where I wouldn't even remember someone. I'm bad with names but sometime people come up to me and I feel like I've never seen them before. A part of me wonders if it's me or if my doppleganger have ruined something else for me. Is it people who get too drunk and then meet one of my dopplegangers and then mistake me when sober for one of my dopplegangers? Possibly? Who knows.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

On Cream Wolf

So I found this great game on basiclly you drive around in an ice cream truck serving ice cream to children. You usally have 2 days before the full moon comes out at which point you gather up all the children that got fat from eatting ice cream and take them back to your hide out in the woods where you turn into a werewolf and eat them. The more kids you eat, the more flavors you unlock to use in the next town. This game has some huge creeper moments in it (aside from the entire premise of the game). In the tutorial it tells you not to contact other cars/adults because "they don't understand you like I do". In the ice cream mini game if you complete an order with a high enough rating this amazingly creepy voice says things like "Good Job" and "I Love You". Then when the moon turns full the happy go lucky ice cream truck music that's been playing gets warped into this creepy-haunted-fun-house type tune.

In other news, I got into the Biopsych PhD program here at VCU, so come fall 2010 I will officially be a graduate student. I move into a new apt about two weeks ago and it's amazing, good location, cheap rent, nice house. Other than that my nose has been to the grind stone both downtown and on the MPC.

Friday, February 12, 2010

On Crisis of Self

So I just had a really sobering talk with Joe over the phone this morning. Long story short he made it sound like I didn't have a chance of getting in anywhere else because of my GPA and that if I did stay here in biopsych I'd have to make all these comprises. One of the biggest things was he said that since the stipend was a little low that I should keep working in Jill's lab, ya know 10-15 hours a week since I can work on the weekends. Not only do I feel like Jill is already counting down the days til I leave but one of the things that I was most looking forward to about grad school was finally being able to focus on one lab. This whole 2 labs 60 hours/week bullshit is just that, bullshit. I was looking forward to working in just one lab, even if it is 60 hours/week still at least I'll be getting real work done. Now I'm questioning if I should even stay in academia, or in the city. It just seemed like everything was finally coming together, I would stay here for grad school move into my new place. When/if Cory moves to New York Carol Ann could move in, and things would be really nice and my life would calm down again. Now I'm questioning everything. Do I apply for master's programs still? Do I say fuck it and just get a regular job? Do I really say fuck it and follow through with my fall back of being an NYC bike messenger? Not to mention that I'm strapped for cash again because of this new place it's nothing major just getting together the security deposit without having the other one back. And I'm getting about 900 less back from taxes than what I expected (1.7k less than what someone told me) so that dashes some fun dreams I had. Why is it that when things are just starting to calm down and make sense something comes and fucks everything up.

Oh yeah Icing on the cake. As soon as I got off the phone with Joe (which made me late for an injection) one of the dippers decided to stop working so I ended up having to change it out after fucking with it for 10 min pushing everything completely off schedule. Then when I finally switch it out get the new group in and plug the broken one in to another box and try and figure out what's wrong, it works just fine. And does anyone else in the lab help or ask what I said after I mumble about the dipper being broken while running around to fix it? No, one of them just sheepishly asked if the box was going to be working while she was saying that she was leaving.

I'm just at a loss about everything right now. I wish there was someone that could just descend from the heavens and whisper in my ear the one thing that would make this all ok but I know that won't happen. I want to take time off and clear my head sit down and try to figure things out but I don't have time for that. I need to keep going in all of my work. I'm just have no idea where I'm going in life, even after all of these plans that I've made, they always fall through and it seems like a lower my expectations each time and that's what's going to happen until it's just a shadow of my former ambition.