Friday, February 12, 2010

On Crisis of Self

So I just had a really sobering talk with Joe over the phone this morning. Long story short he made it sound like I didn't have a chance of getting in anywhere else because of my GPA and that if I did stay here in biopsych I'd have to make all these comprises. One of the biggest things was he said that since the stipend was a little low that I should keep working in Jill's lab, ya know 10-15 hours a week since I can work on the weekends. Not only do I feel like Jill is already counting down the days til I leave but one of the things that I was most looking forward to about grad school was finally being able to focus on one lab. This whole 2 labs 60 hours/week bullshit is just that, bullshit. I was looking forward to working in just one lab, even if it is 60 hours/week still at least I'll be getting real work done. Now I'm questioning if I should even stay in academia, or in the city. It just seemed like everything was finally coming together, I would stay here for grad school move into my new place. When/if Cory moves to New York Carol Ann could move in, and things would be really nice and my life would calm down again. Now I'm questioning everything. Do I apply for master's programs still? Do I say fuck it and just get a regular job? Do I really say fuck it and follow through with my fall back of being an NYC bike messenger? Not to mention that I'm strapped for cash again because of this new place it's nothing major just getting together the security deposit without having the other one back. And I'm getting about 900 less back from taxes than what I expected (1.7k less than what someone told me) so that dashes some fun dreams I had. Why is it that when things are just starting to calm down and make sense something comes and fucks everything up.

Oh yeah Icing on the cake. As soon as I got off the phone with Joe (which made me late for an injection) one of the dippers decided to stop working so I ended up having to change it out after fucking with it for 10 min pushing everything completely off schedule. Then when I finally switch it out get the new group in and plug the broken one in to another box and try and figure out what's wrong, it works just fine. And does anyone else in the lab help or ask what I said after I mumble about the dipper being broken while running around to fix it? No, one of them just sheepishly asked if the box was going to be working while she was saying that she was leaving.

I'm just at a loss about everything right now. I wish there was someone that could just descend from the heavens and whisper in my ear the one thing that would make this all ok but I know that won't happen. I want to take time off and clear my head sit down and try to figure things out but I don't have time for that. I need to keep going in all of my work. I'm just have no idea where I'm going in life, even after all of these plans that I've made, they always fall through and it seems like a lower my expectations each time and that's what's going to happen until it's just a shadow of my former ambition.

1 comment:

  1. SNACK!!!! I haven't seen you in so long!! I'm sorry this is happening to you...let's get together soon and catch up, I'm here to lend an ear.